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I'm trying so hard
Trying so hard to be happy, to be the girl that walked out of all the hurt and pains. Some times I feel like I overdid it; the whole trying to be happy thing.
Of course I'm genuinely happy when I'm laughing away on outings with my darlings and baby boys but I just get so ridiculously upset and sad some times. I can't explain why also. Kinda like getting killed by memories over and over again. Don't know what's wrong with me, I was the one that said I don't give a damn about what happened with me and C but somehow I just get so affected by words/expressions of people every time this subject was raised. It's like I'm already so filled with doubts and with the words of others, I feel as if I've committed the biggest mistake of my life, like I got to be ashamed of it. When I explain, it became a defense for him. I can't just tell the world he did me no wrong because he did. What I also remember was what he did right. I can't hate because there is nothing for me to hate on, too many mistakes like paving stones, what do you expect? That I'm all right and he's all wrong? I picked this path, I didn't turn him away when I could. I gave him hope even though I was unsure. I did what everyone told me to do; protect my interests, don't shut him at the door, I TRIED. I'm not blaming anyone that gave me those advice because they meant well, they genuinely wanted me to have happiness, walked out of my pains and tears. Neither am I blaming the people that gave me the expressions like I've made a huge mistake because even I felt like it's a mistake right from the start. It's just the path I picked was a tough one to walk in. I thought I could become better but I couldn't. I didn't feel like I couldn't match up to his standards but yet I knew clearly that we had our differences. I've tried to work with it but it didn't work out. I wanted simplicity in the complex scenario, what a joke. I wanted to be a mature adult, handle it like what a young adult will do, and I did. I fought for the things I want, pretended lesser and saying out what I really feel. Mind games were completely and almost out of the picture. Truly, I never felt so empty for a very long time. Many times I will just prefer to not talk about it and let it passed like a tide bringing away the remains into the sea. But I'll have dreams, have people mentioning, have memories jolt out of nowhere when I'm alone, how to forget like that? So much mistakes, so much guilt, so much worth smiling, so much connections, why do I feel like I can't run away from this ever?
Of course I'm genuinely happy when I'm laughing away on outings with my darlings and baby boys but I just get so ridiculously upset and sad some times. I can't explain why also. Kinda like getting killed by memories over and over again. Don't know what's wrong with me, I was the one that said I don't give a damn about what happened with me and C but somehow I just get so affected by words/expressions of people every time this subject was raised. It's like I'm already so filled with doubts and with the words of others, I feel as if I've committed the biggest mistake of my life, like I got to be ashamed of it. When I explain, it became a defense for him. I can't just tell the world he did me no wrong because he did. What I also remember was what he did right. I can't hate because there is nothing for me to hate on, too many mistakes like paving stones, what do you expect? That I'm all right and he's all wrong? I picked this path, I didn't turn him away when I could. I gave him hope even though I was unsure. I did what everyone told me to do; protect my interests, don't shut him at the door, I TRIED. I'm not blaming anyone that gave me those advice because they meant well, they genuinely wanted me to have happiness, walked out of my pains and tears. Neither am I blaming the people that gave me the expressions like I've made a huge mistake because even I felt like it's a mistake right from the start. It's just the path I picked was a tough one to walk in. I thought I could become better but I couldn't. I didn't feel like I couldn't match up to his standards but yet I knew clearly that we had our differences. I've tried to work with it but it didn't work out. I wanted simplicity in the complex scenario, what a joke. I wanted to be a mature adult, handle it like what a young adult will do, and I did. I fought for the things I want, pretended lesser and saying out what I really feel. Mind games were completely and almost out of the picture. Truly, I never felt so empty for a very long time. Many times I will just prefer to not talk about it and let it passed like a tide bringing away the remains into the sea. But I'll have dreams, have people mentioning, have memories jolt out of nowhere when I'm alone, how to forget like that? So much mistakes, so much guilt, so much worth smiling, so much connections, why do I feel like I can't run away from this ever?
